


Better

by Xyliandra



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, in my opinion at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-08 01:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4285791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xyliandra/pseuds/Xyliandra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>bet·ter</b><br/>/ˈbedər/<br/><i>adjective</i><br/>1. comparative of good and well.<br/>2. partly or fully recovered from illness, injury, or mental stress; less unwell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better

**Author's Note:**

> Oh hey, look, another fic that is basically a fanfic of my life. Whoops. This is the most personal fic I've written for the Free! fandom so far, so don't be a dick.
> 
> Written for [RinReiGisa Week](http://rinreigisaweek.tumblr.com), though I'm not sure if anyone else considers this a fic for "domestic feels", but it also could fit the "sad feels" prompt so...?

“I can’t believe Gou is pregnant. She’s too young!” Rin protested, closing the drawer more forcefully than he had intended to. “I’m gonna kill Mikoshiba.”

“You will do no such thing,” Rei responded. “She is only a year younger than you and has waited longer than most of our peers to start a family.”

“Most of her friends have toddlers,” Nagisa chimed in. “And isn’t Greg having a kid soon? He’s way younger than you.”

“Not way younger,” Rin grumbled, “Like 3 years younger.”

“Nearly five,” Rei corrected.

“Gou is too young,” Rin repeated stubbornly.

“Only because she is your sister.”

“Exactly!” Rei and Nagisa shared a laugh over Rin’s assertion. “But, I mean, think about it, are you ready for kids? Because I sure as shit ain’t.”

“Well, I was not planning on starting our family tomorrow, no,” Rei agreed. “However, that is mostly due to the fact that we are not currently in a position to do so. There are a host of preparations we must make first, but I do not consider our age to be a factor.” Rin groaned in frustration.

“But isn’t there more you want to do first? Travel? Get another degree? Make stupid decisions? You can’t really do that once you have kids. It’s so much responsibility!”

“Well, of course it is,” Rei responded, frowning slightly.

“Hey, don’t get me wrong. I love kids. I can’t wait to have to have our own running around, terrorizing the town. But I’m just not ready now, ya know? What about you Nagisa?”

Nagisa sat on the bed, staring at his feet.

"Nagisa?" Rei asked gently, concerned with the blond's silence. Nagisa said nothing, fists clenched tight and jaw set tensely. Recognition dawned on Rei as he took in Nagisa’s posture. Rei quickly knelt down in front of Nagisa. He placed his hand on Nagisa’s knee. "Please don't hurt yourself, Nagisa," he asked gently, stroking Nagisa’s knee soothingly. Nagisa sat unmoving for a few moments before forcing his body to loosen, opening his hands wide and placing them palm down on the bed.

Rin stared at the pair, fighting off the panic that was quickly crashing over him. He knew Nagisa had been struggling lately, but Rin had thought he had moved past this stuff. Didn't Nagisa tell him therapy was going well? Weren't they teaching him replacement behaviors? Fuck, had Nagisa been lying about that? Fuck fuck fuck.

"Rin," Rei spoke softly, pulling Rin from his thoughts. He took a deep breath and told himself that he didn't have time to freak out now. Nagisa needed him.

"What's wrong, baby?" Rin asked Nagisa, voice wavering only slightly.

"You guys keep talking about kids and starting a family and," Nagisa took deep, shuddering breaths. Rin wasn't sure if Nagisa was going to hyperventilate or cry (both of which he was terrible at handling). Fortunately, Nagisa did neither, though his eyes were glassy when he looked up. "And I don't know if I can have kids." Rin sat next to Nagisa on the bed, suddenly feeling much better.

"Oh, baby," he cooed, taking Nagisa's hand in his, "Between the three of us, someone's bound to have strong swimmers." Rin smirked a little to himself as he realized what he said.

"And there is always adoption," Rei added, squeezing Nagisa's knee affectionately.

"Exactly, it's not like we planned on getting pregnant today. Er, well, getting someone pregnant today. I mean, I'm not even sure how all that works exactly." Nagisa clenched his fists again before consciously unclenching them with some difficulty.

"No, not like that," Nagisa whispered, shaking slightly, tears now brimming his eyes. "I mean I don't know if I can have them when I'm so unstable," he explained, tears streaming down his face.

"Oh, Nagisa," Rei murmured, moving up onto the bed and pulling Nagisa into his side. He stroked Nagisa's hair gently.

"I thought things were getting better," Rin whispered feeling blindsided.

"Sort of. I didn't want you to worry when there wasn't much you could do," Nagisa confessed softly.

"I came back when you were in the hospital," he pointed out, his hurt causing his voice to take on an almost accusing tone.

"And you got in trouble with your coach," Nagisa pointed out meekly. Rin bit his, tongue knowing he was right. Rin had only been on the team for less than a year when he took almost three weeks off to return home when Nagisa was hospitalized. Nagisa would never blame Rin for his breakdown, and Rin knew that, truthfully, it was the combination of factors that had overwhelmed him: his friends starting their futures away from Iwatobi, the stress of third year, Rei’s scholarship at a university Nagisa had very little chance of getting into. But Rin still felt responsible, just as he knew Rei did. Risking his spot on the team was the last thought on his mind when Rei called him sobbing.

“And I told you then- ‘fuck the coach’. You must think I’m some sort of monster if I wouldn’t drop everything when the man I love attempts suicide.” Nagisa took a shuddering sigh.

“I told you a million times, I didn’t attempt suicide,” Nagisa said in a pinched tone. “I was suicidal and self-harming. There’s a difference.” Rin backpedaled quickly.

“Baby, baby, I know. I’m sorry, you’re right. But I didn’t understand that when Rei called me.”

“It took us both some time to understand that, darling,” Rei reminded Nagisa patiently, better equipt to handle Nagisa like this. Rin was too emotional; he always seemed to end up making Nagisa cry, or making himself cry, and making the situation worse. Not for the first time, Rin wondered why Nagisa could possibly want to date him when he had Rei who seemed to perfectly balance him out. Rin shook his head, trying to clear his head. He didn’t have time for self doubt now. Now was about Nagisa. Who now had tears streaming down his face. Fuck. “It was still very scary for us both.” Rei glanced at Rin over Nagisa’s head. Rin nodded and took Nagisa’s hand in his own.

“I was terrified,” Rin agreed, squeezing gently. “There was no way I would’ve ever been able to focus on training even if I stayed in Australia. And like I told you, again, and again, you were more important. You’re always more important.” Nagisa laughed slightly, a choked sound through his tears.

“Don’t let Rei hear you say that or he’ll get jealous.” Rin leaned over to kiss Nagisa’s temple.

“I could take him.” Rei smiled softly and brushed his hand along Rin’s cheek. For a few moments, everything was still. Then Nagisa started shaking as he cried harder.

“You should take him and leave-”

“Baby, I’m never going to leave-”

“Let me finish!” Nagisa cried, tightly gripping the bedsheets. “Both of you should leave me and

start your family together. It’s what’s best for everyone and I was stupid to pretend otherwise.”

“That is not ‘what’s best for everyone’,” Rei replied calmly. “That is not what is best for me.”

“Or me,” Rin quickly agreed, biting the inside of his cheek; watching Nagisa like this was unraveling him inside, but he knew the moment he broke down, Nagisa would clam up and worry about him instead. Fuck if Nagisa didn’t have a bigger heart than anyone Rin had ever known, even if he didn’t always love himself.

“You both want a family,” Nagisa reminded them with forced levelness, “I’m fucked in the head. That’s not a good combination.”

“You’re not fucked in the head.” Nagisa laughed bitterly.

“Really Rin? Are you really gonna tell me that? I am so fucked in the head, it’s not even funny.”

“Having a mental illness does not preclude you from having a family,” Rei tried.

“It’s not like you’re the only person in existence to ever have one,” Rin added.

“No offense, but there’s a big fucking difference between Rei’s anxiety and my bipolar,” Nagisa spat.

“Okay, you’re right but-” Fuck. How did he make this right.

“What Rin is saying is that your mental illness does not define you,” Rei clarified. Rin nodded. Thank fucking god Rei was good at this.

“But it does! I’m bipolar! It’s part of who I am. It’s shaped my experiences and who I’ve become and I wouldn’t be me without it!”

“That may be true,” Rei agreed, “Your mental illness is part of you.” Rin could see Rei was carefully choosing how to continue. He knew it was petty, but Rin felt a little bit better that Rei was struggling with too; it made him feel like less of a failure. “However, it is not the whole of you.

“But it _does_ limit me, Rei. I _literally_ am incapable of shit because of it!”

“Have you been taking your meds?” Rin asked suddenly, wondering why that didn’t cross his mind sooner.

“Meds don’t fix everything, Rin!” Nagisa yelled in frustration. “I’m not magically better because I’m on meds!” Rin decided he should just stop talking. He was making things worse like it was his damn job.

“Nagisa,” Rei began, stepping in, “Nagisa, that is not what Rin is saying. Rin is asking because there are some times that you forget to take your medications and he is worried about your wellbeing.”

“I know, just, everyone seems to expect that if we up this med or try a new drug combo, then everything will get better. But, but what if I never get better?” he sobbed angrily. “What if this is as ‘better’ as I’m ever gonna get? You’re gonna love me as long as you can and then you’re just gonna not be able to deal with me anymore and you’re gonna leave me, and I will understand completely because I can’t stand me most days and want nothing more than to stop existing.”

“Nagisa,” Rin whispered, unsure to say, but feeling like he needed to say something.

“We are never going to leave you,” Rei assured, which seemed to anger Nagisa. He pushed away from Rei and yanked his hand from Rin’s.

“You say that,” he accused darkly, “But you can’t know that. You know the statistics Rei, I know you’ve looked them up. Statistically, you’re going to leave me. Bipolar people don’t have successful relationships.”

Rin and Rei spoke at the same time.

“We’re not some statistics.”

“You know that is not true Nagisa.”

“Well, those statistics are there for a reason,” Nagisa countered, crossing his arms across his chest and further closing himself off from his boyfriends.

“I think the statistics reflect that most people are not diagnosed as bipolar until after they have engaged in a relationship. Rin and I understand that you are bipolar and what that entails.”

“Do you really?” Nagisa laughed bitterly. “Because I sure don’t. I don’t know if I’ll always have this job. What if someone finds out? What if I lose my shit one day and just breakdown in the middle of class? What if I decide to actually attempt suicide? I’m always gonna be bipolar and suicidal and I may never be stable. What the fuck is stable even? Leveling out at borderline manic or depressed or just not feeling anything at all? It’s not fair for you to deal with that, let alone some hypothetical kid. No kid deserves that.”

“The kids at work all love you. You’re great with your students,” Rin pointed out, feeling at a loss. “You’d be a great dad.”

“Being a teacher and being a parent are completely different. I do my goddamn best to leave my mental illness shit at the door when I’m at work, but I can’t pretend all the time. No kid wants a parent who’s a step away from jumping off the deep end at all times. No kid should have to live in constant fear of setting me off or feel like they’re not allowed to have problems or feel like they have to take care of me. I’m not going to force that on them. There are so many stories about kids resenting their mentally ill parents and I just am not going to do that to anyone.” Nagisa breathed heavily, staring at the wet spots his tears and snot had made on his pants. “I need to blow my nose.” Rin looked around for a box of tissues (which was kinda stupid, seeing as it was in the exact same spot Rei always put it) and quickly grabbed it and handed it to Nagisa. “Thanks,” he mumbled before blowing his nose loudly.

Rin looked to Rei, who looked just as lost as Rin felt. Rin’s chest tightened. If Rei didn’t know what to say…

“You guys keep talking about kids,” Nagisa began again, still crying but sounding much more collected. “And I know you’ve always wanted to be a dad, Rin. It’s right up there with being an olympic swimmer. And that’s great. I want you to have that.” He tilted his head up to look at Rin. “But I can’t give you that.” Nagisa looked over to Rei. “And Rei can. So I should just save everyone the heartache and let you two date and get married and be amazing dads and I can just hang out on the side lines, if you still want me around.”

“Nagisa, of course we want you around. But we want you with us, not on the sidelines,” Rei said softly. Rin could hear the emotions finally creeping into his voice.

“Rei’s right,” Rin agreed, reaching behind Nagisa’s back to offer Rei a hand to hold. He accepted it gratefully, wiping at his eyes. “We’d never want you to do that.”

“But you want kids,” Nagisa repeated, sounding exhausted and defeated.

“I’d take a life with you and Rei with no kids over a life without you any day of the week,” Rin said with as much love and devotion as he possibly could, leaving little room for Nagisa to doubt his words. Nagisa stared at Rin, his teary eyes red and wide. He bit his lip and looked away.

“You might change your mind.”

“And you might change yours.”

“I won’t,” Nagisa said firmly.

“We won’t,” Rei parroted, squeezing Rin’s hand as he did. Nagisa sat quietly, sniffling.

“Nagisa, baby, look at me,” Rin asked, gently bringing his hand to Nagisa’s chin who allowed Rin to tilt it up to make eye contact. “I love you,” Rin’s eyes darted up quickly to look at Rei. “Both of you,” he looked back to Nagisa, “More than anything. More than I ever thought possible. And I will do anything to keep you both in my life.”

Nagisa remained silent for a few moments, before asking with a small smile, “Would you help me hide a body?”

“How long he’s been dead?” Rin asked without missing a beat. “I’m sure Dexter here could tell me how to do it best.”

“The cause of death would also play a factor in the disposal,” Rei added, tentatively resting his free hand on Nagisa’s thigh. Nagisa placed his hand on top of Rei’s.

“See? We can take care of that dead guy, no problem.” Rin kissed Nagisa gently, wishing he could kiss away every fear in Nagisa’s mind. “I love you. We’re going to spend our lives together.”

“Even if it means no kids?” Nagisa asked timidly.

"Even if it means no kids," Rei reassured, leaning forward to kiss the crown of Nagisa's head.

"Besides, even if we don't have kids of our own, we'll just have to be the coolest uncles ever and spoil our nieces and nephews rotten." Nagisa chucked, wiping his cheeks with his hands. Rin handed him tissues for his nose.

"We will likely have several nieces and nephews, considering our group of friends," Rei pointed out.

"Gou will probably have, like, 10," Nagisa agreed.

"Wait, what?" Rin stared at Nagisa. "When the fuck did she tell you that?" he demanded.

"She didn't," Nagisa replied airily, before smirking devilish. "But do you _know_ how babies are _made_ , RinRin?" Rin stood suddenly, nearly knocking Nagisa over in the process.

"I'm going to fucking kill Mikoshiba. I'm going to kill you for even thinking like that, and then, I'm going to fucking kill Mikoshiba for ever looking at my sister." Nagisa broke into mirthful laughter while Rei struggled not to join him.

"Rin, please, come back to bed," Rei said, just barely managing to keep his own laughter in check.

"Yeah, come to bed so I can show you how baby making works," Nagisa taunted.

"You are so fucking dead," Rin replied, tackling Nagisa to the bed.

"REI!" Nagisa gasped out, thrashing underneath Rin. "Rei, he's tickling me." Rei stood up and headed towards the bathroom.

"I want no part in this."

"Save me! Rei! REI!"

**Author's Note:**

> Lowkey dedication to Rosa and Vicki for supporting me emotionally and for supporting my writing. It really means a lot to me guys.
> 
> Bipolar Nagisa is very important to me, so if you planned on arguing why I'm wrong on that, I really don't care to hear it. I have [actual reasons](http://xyliandra.tumblr.com/post/93395465496/free-mental-health-head-canons-nagisa) why I think Nagisa could be bipolar, and I did not write him as such to be edgy or to romanticize mental illnesses. ~~(I am bipolar; it's not all that romantic.)~~ And representation is important. Most people with mental illnesses live pretty damn normal lives and media should reflect that.
> 
> I'm also on tumblr: [xyliandra.tumblr.com](http://xyliandra.tumblr.com) and [xyliandra-fics.tumblr.com](http://xyliandra-fics.tumblr.com)


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